Unfinished Business
by Snixx22
Summary: Quinn asks Santana to help one of her students in a rough time by telling this girl her story. Santana didnt know that this girl is going to end up helping her find what she wanted the most.  They lost each other but now its time to be found
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hi there! This story has been asking me to write it so here I am. It starts slow but its going to get better, I promise. If there is someone reading this, hope you enjoy it. Also english is not my first language and I tried to check the grammar and my spelling but you never know, so if you find any mistakes tell me so I can correct them. Thank you.**

You know that feeling that remains after a really bad dream that you can't shake it off and even after hours of you being awake it keeps nagging in the back of your head. Well, I hate that feeling and lately I have been feeling like this… The sound of my phone ringing took my mind off all this non sense shit.

"What? Whoever you are, you only have 10 seconds to start talking before I hang up." I'm sorry but I'm not a morning person, really. If it was for me I'd sleep through all day and wake up with the sun down.

"Come on, S. As if you would be able to hang up on me, you love me too much for that."

"Shut up, Fabray. What do you want? And don't even try to deny you want something because I know you only call me this early when you want something."

"Well, I just need…" She stops mid sentence and sighs "I know this is a lot to ask but I really need you to talk with one of my students. You know about your experience with coming out, relationships and stuff."

I keep quiet for a minute because it really is a lot to ask, I really don't feel comfortable telling people my story. It gives them power over me as if they could suddenly see eye to eye with me.

"Why?" Is the only thing I said.

"She reminds me of you, S. I wasn't there for you when everything happened but I'm here now, for her and I don't want to make the same mistakes twice."

"Ok, Q. Just let me take a shower and I'll be on my way to the theater." I agreed to this way too easy but I guess I owe her and I owe myself this and if I can help someone I guess I'm going to try.

"See you in a bit, then. Thank you, S!" with that I hang up I was really expecting to have a really nice day just to chill and try to get some work done. Now it seems like it's going to be a tough day and so fill with memories.

Quinn and I, we never talk about "what happened" to me, ever. Sometimes I think it's because Quinn feels really guilty about it and I have never been able to talk about it. Obviously she knows, she is my best friend and she knows everything she needs to know about me. We just don't discuss it though If she thinks that I'm not fine or anything is bothering me she doesn't hesitate in start talking her heart out to me, that's her way to say "I know you are hurting and you don't want to trust anyone but I'm here and I trust you, see me. I'm as vulnerable and weak as you". She doesn't know but exactly this is what makes her so different to me because she is brave. She is braver than me.

* * *

><p>After what it feels like ages, I'm ready. I have never taken so much time in the shower, really. Anyways I guess is time to face the music so I left my apartment and start walking to Quinn's theater, it's not like she owns the place but after high school she pursue acting as a career and somewhere in the way she stop liking being the one in the spotlight but she never stop loving acting so she decided to be an acting coach and she works there. She is really good at it, I can't understand why she stopped acting professionally but I can see that she is happier now and that's all I want for her. She has so much patience to help her students; I think she teaches them how to feel again. You know how after so long of being able to do some things it kind of starts losing the meaning like, you are used to it so the value it used to have is lost now. She teaches you how to find its meaning again.<p>

I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't realize I was finally here and to be honest I don't feel well at all but I guess I will never feel 100% ok again. I start walking to the back door because it's near to Quinn's office. And there she was leaning on the wall with her eyes on the sky and a cigarette on her hand.

"Since when do you smoke?" I said looking at her with piercing eyes, after all she is the one who keeps bugging me about quit smoking.

"Oh ahmm, shit! Ok, you caught me I just needed one." She said looking guilty "San, this isn't only hard on you. She was my friend too…"

"Ok that's enough. Stop right there, Quinnie. You know that she hurt me but everything that happened was neither her fault nor yours. I know we never talk about this and I also know you are worried about me but just stop worrying, Quinn. I know this is hard on you because you lost her after everything happened as did I, but you took care of me and that was just too much to handle, you did what you could. I'm here to let her go and help us by helping whomever you want me to talk to, ok? I don't say this enough I hardly say it but, I love you. You are my best friend and I'm thankful for having you in my life." I guess that's more of I have said to Quinn in ages because she is just there trying to process everything looking really confused.

"I guess is time for us to let this behind, right? Thank you for doing this, S. Ok well you need to know that the person I want you to talk to is someone you know, remember Harmony?"

"Oh hell no, Quinn! That girl is crazy. She reminds me of man-hands better yet, that girl would be yours and Berry's child if you ever were to hook up and have a child!"

"Har har, Santana. You are so funny" She said looking exasperated and not happy at all but she can't fool me I know she is thinking the same, after all she did have a thing for Berry back in the days.

"Being serious, S. I think she is having a really bad time. I know and totally get why you dislike her but in all honesty she hasn't been that girl for a few months now, that's why I'm so worried and I heard some rumors so here you are to put your 2 cents into it."

"Just for the record, Q. I don't dislike her I just don't want to throw a party every time I see the girl, but yeah definitely I'm glad to help. Is there something else I should know?"

"No, I don't think so just be a little tender to her, ok? Oh and I think she has a crush on you." I hear Quinn saying, trying to suppress a laugh.

"Fuck you, Fabray! That shit ain't funny." But who could blame the girl? I'm hot and I know it.

"Ok. Let's do this" I said to Quinn walking through the door and there she was in the corner of the room. It's true what Quinn told me Harmony doesn't look like the girl I have seen before and it's painful to see a shadow of her former self but that's what love does to you, right? We all want the happily ever after kind of love but for me that's just bullshit. In order to really feel love you have to hurt, I mean you have to strip your soul for someone else to see, to feel you and that's something really painful to do. Sometimes that person is going to burn you but it will be worth it. It's a complex feeling and if you have ever been in love then you are really lucky.

* * *

><p>I was walking into Quinn's office when I hear her calling Harmony; this is like a really bad intervention. If someone has done this to me when I was younger I would have gone all Lima Heights Adjacent on them, I swear. So in order to make Harmony to open up a little or just to trust me I have to be really careful and think before I speak because the choice of words in this case is everything and I'm so shitty at this and just then a sigh escape my mouth. I can hear Quinn talking to Harmony and how she is asking her if she could talk a couple of minutes with me, really smooth Quinn! For fuck's sake now I realize I really don't know how to approach her. Shit, I don't even know what's happening to her! Way to go, Lopez. Just before I started completely losing it I saw Harmony staring at me with the corner of my eye, awkward.<p>

"Well this is awkward" Arrggh good thing I was going to think before open my mouth.

"It certainly is, Miss Lopez" Harmony said looking at the floor playing with the sleeves of her sweatshirt.

"I'm not your teacher and I'm sure I ain't that old so, no need of calling me Miss, ok? Call me Santana or S even dude if you want." I giggled because really, dude? I'm trying to look into her eyes with a really or what I expect to be a friendly smile, though I don't smile that much so I'm not sure if it's working.

"You know what, I'm here because Quinn is worried about you and she thinks I could help you but let me be honest for a second. I don't know what's happening in your life and I'm sure you think you are just losing your time with me right now, but I have been through some things that maybe could help me to understand you. You don't need to talk to me if you don't want to, but I'm here because I care and I know how does it feel to think you are alone and no matter how much you try you can't make things go away." Don't judge me sometimes being blunt is the way to go.

"I don't know if Miss Fabray told you about the rumors. I mean I know she thinks she is being all smart and clever about this but she is terrible liar for an actress." I heard her say from the corner of the room. She was looking at me expectantly as if I had all the answers.

"No, she mentioned some rumors but she never told me what they were about. She is not like that, you know?... Quinn is not like that she doesn't pay attention to rumors she knows that by talking about those rumors you are giving them power, she doesn't believe in giving a rumor power because 70% of the time is all lies." Then she smiled, I guess I wasn't that lost then, maybe I really can help her.

"Well the thing is there are a couple of guys here that go at the same high school as I do. In my school there is this girl and I thought we were friends but when I told her I like one of our classmates she started calling me names and saying things behind my back."

"To be successful on Broadway you have to be fearless so, I wasn't that worried about people knowing about my sexuality which by the way is very uhmm… often." She said looking into my eyes to be sure that it wasn't any kind of judgment there and I let her, she could look all she want she deserves to be sure she can trust me. After a few seconds I noded my head encouraging her to keep going.

"I'm confused; I don't know what I am. I really don't care what people think about me but then people started spreading more rumors about me. They say I tried to feel up a girl on my P. E. class, another one was that I had sex with two chicks in the teachers lounge and my favorite is that I let everyone with more than 20 in cash to touch me wherever they wanted." She sighs and for the first time I could see not only her apathy but all the sadness and the hurt behind her eyes.

"Thanks to that the director called my mom a couple of weeks ago telling her what was happening. She didn't ask me anything, you know? " she said trying to hold her tears from falling freely "She told me she raised me to be better than this and on top of this the girl I liked and who I started dating a couple of weeks after I told my so called friend…"

"The one who started all this madness?" I asked trying to keep up with all the information.

"Yeah that one, well I think I fell in love with her but one day I caught her cheating on me with a mutual friend. And now everything is so crazy I don't know how to identify myself or if I really want to label my sexuality or not. My mom thinks I'm a slut and I realized that in reality I don't have more than one person I can called friend."

"This is a lot to take in! Well Harmony, I think that when we are young, we are so desperate to fit in like, there is so much changes going on with our bodies and everything that it seems like a blur, so confusing. We try our best to find a place that makes us feel calm and that's something we all go through so it's ok having doubts. About wanting to label what you feel towards girls or whatever, just don't pressure yourself with this; I think that your sexuality doesn't define you. To me you are Harmony this talented girl who can sing better than anyone I know not Harmony a girl who likes girls, you know?" "Are you busy right now or do you want to go for a cup of coffee?" I asked because really all of this teen angst is just too much for me to cope without a cup of coffee though I'd rather a beer but I guess Quinn wouldn't approve of it.

"Thank you and no, there is no one expecting me anywhere. I could go with you Miss Lo… I mean Santana."

"Ok then, let's go."

* * *

><p>After a few minutes later we were arriving to this little café near central park that has the most delicious coffee in New York.<p>

"Well we are here, let's go inside and grab a cup of coffee. I feel like you need it." Maybe she doesn't need it but hell I do. I get the feeling that Harmony is lying to me I'm sure that everything she has told me is true but there is no way that this is what has her like this. Don't get me wrong this is serious shit but she is too smart and I'm sure that there is something else that is bothering her so I think I'm going to pull a Quinn here. I'm going to tell her my story that it's quite different from what she has told me but maybe that way she will start spilling the beans.

"Why are you waving your hand in my face?" I asked really weird out.

"Sorry, is just you kind of zoned out" She said blushing. Oh this girl is cute, she reminds me of Quinnie when we were 8.

"That's ok. I indeed was spacing out, sorry. Is just I guess is time for me to talk a little about me and it's something I really don't like doing but it's only fair after what you told me." I said trying to gather the courage to start pouring my heart out for this kid.

"When I was 18 I was in a really bad place, I went off the rails since I was 15 but even before that I was out of control with every birthday, things were getting worse. You could have thought that me aging would help, right? Make me mature but it didn't. So when I was 18 everything caught me and I tried to kill myself." I turned to see Harmony when I hear her gasp.

"Don't worry I'm better now, I didn't take pills or cut my wrists. I'm more of a coward for that." I sighed because it's so embarrassing to know that there was a time when I thought so little of myself. It's hard to know that I was that weak since I have ever boasted of being this independent, strong woman. Which I know now that I am not.

"What did you do then?" Harmony asked with sadness in her eyes as if this has hit to close to home.

"I had a bad week. My girlfriend for 2 years and me, we broke up and I started drinking like there was no tomorrow for an entire week and I crashed my car 3 days out of 5, it was a record." I said shrugging "I'm not stupid and I remember thinking that I had nothing to keep breathing so that why I told you I tried to kill myself. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want people thinking that I was just an attention whore or something like that, but mainly I didn't want **her** to find out, you know?."

"Yes, I know the feeling" The blue eyed girl said kind of surprised that she even let herself to admit that. "What's her name? I mean your ex girlfriend name. How did you meet her?"

"That's a lot of questions, kid." Actually there aren't that many but I guess bad habits die hard, right? I let out a sigh and after a moment I said "Brittany, her name is Brittany".

"We went to the same high school. She was a very good friend of Quinn so eventually we became good friends. It was weird though because the first time I saw her I remember thinking _Oh holly sweet hell, this girl has to be mine_, you know? And I was so fixed about making her my girlfriend that I couldn't function properly when she was around me and I really didn't want her to think about me as a friend because then to get out of the friend zone is near impossible. I didn't even know if she was gay or anything and then one day Quinn and I were in the basketball courts fooling around when we saw her with a boy…"

"_Oh, come on Quinn please I'm dying to hear it just try to deny that you have a girl crush on Ru Paul, I dare you!"_

"_Shut up, Lopez! You well know I can't stand to even hear her name. What are you talking about?"I heard Quinn say but I couldn't care less._

_There she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen kissing a boy? Who the fuck is that boy? No way this is happening to me._

"_Earth to Satan"_

"_WHAT?" suddenly my mood has changed from unicorns and rainbows to lets the devil out of his cage._

"_What's wrong with you, Santana? Are you bipolar or something?" The blonde in front of me said with a really weird look in her eyes._

"_Who is the guy with Brittany?" Well if I didn't want Quinn knowing that I have a crush on Britt then she does know now. You are so fucking smooth Santana, really!_

"_Is Joe, her boyfriend. They have been together for a year I think, they are a really cute together, don't you think? "She asked me with a devilish smirk on her ugly face._

"_No, she deserves better. That guy is just really bad looking and it looks like a total nerd. Hellz nah I ain't approveZ" I may or may not be jealous but being honest that guy is just so very WRONG for her._

"_Well, if you approve or don't approve of her boyfriend doesn't matter so, let it go San"_

"What did you do next?" Harmony asked desperately

"I let it go eventually and after that I had a boyfriend and then I had a girlfriend" I said laughing because it's always funny to remember how all my relationships were so fucked up and never lasted long. Mainly because I never truly care about them and that's something I really regret because no one deserves to be use just for the lulz of it or just to feel that you are not alone but the Santana I was back then never would had understood that.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. Is just too funny to think how much I have changed and how everything I used to care doesn't mean anything anymore."

"Like I said, I did let it go not long after that we became good friends the best friends to be honest. Even Quinn was kind of an outsider when Britts and I were together."

"So then when did you two get together?" Harmony asked dying to know more. She was really enjoying talking to Santana, she has seen the beautiful brunette before, but never like this, never so open. It was something really endearing.

"Well one day in our sophomore year she asked me if I could teach her how to drive and I did, it was a disaster though…"

"_Please San, just teach me how to drive" The blonde said with a glint in her eyes and a childish smile._

"_Oh Britt Britt, you know I can't say no to you when you smile like that. It's so not fair." Oh god this girl is going to be the dead of me and my mustang. _

"_Tana, you are the best!" She said leaning to give me a kiss on the cheek_

_A few minutes later…_

"_Ok Britt, first thing first. Are you wearing your seat belt?" I saw Britt nodding and biting her lip in concentration."Now, check your mirrors" "Good, put your hand here in the gear shift and every time I tell you to shift to the next one, ok?"_

"_Ok, San" She said and because I was really distracted staring at her face I didn't see the trash can that we were about to hit._

"_Shit! Are you all right Britt?" When I saw Britt she was crying and I knew right there and then I never wanted her to cry ever again._

"_Are you hurt Brittany? Why are you crying?"_

"_I'm sorry San, I didn't mean to. Please don't be mad at me, I'll pay for everything" oh isn't she cute? Believing I'm mad and thinking I care more about my car than her._

"_Don't worry Britt, it was just a trash can and it wasn't that bad at all for your first lesson though we should get out of here, ok? Oh and stop crying no matter how cute I think you look right now I don't ever want to see you crying again, promise?"_

"_Promise, do you mean it San?"_

"_Do I mean what, Britt?"I look right into her eyes because obviously I mean it, whatever she is talking about, I mean it because when I'm with her I can't lie, I can't hide because she always find me._

"_Do you think I'm cute?"She asked as if she didn't know that she is the cutest thing in the world._

"_Obviously I mean it, Britt. You are the cutest girl ever, I think you are beautiful." I said looking at the ceiling when I feel a hand cupping my face making me turn to look at her and she just said thank you while leaning so slowly then it happened, she kissed me. Not just a peck on the lips a full sweet kiss after a moment she broke the kiss with her eyes closed and a cute smile on her face._

"_I think you are beautiful, San."_

"Omg! That was so cute, and then what happened?"

"Well then after a couple of weeks I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. It's getting late kiddo we should go now, don't worry I will pay you a visit again on Friday, ok? And I will continue with my story."

"But that's two days from now! I'm going to die without knowing." She said almost throwing a tantrum.

"Oh look at you; I thought I was having a conversation with a 16 year old not a baby. I guess I was wrong, here give me that napkin" She passed me a napkin and I asked a waitress for a pen, I was writing my number down when she asked what was I doing.

"What does it look I'm doing? I'm giving you my number, so you don't die before Friday." "You can call me whenever you want, don't hesitate in calling Harmony. If you are having a bad day or whatever you can always call me, you are not alone and I would like you to think of me as a friend."

"Thank you, San" she said hugging me

"Ok kiddo, let's get going."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything besides the can of Dr. Pepper I'm drinking right now.**

After what felt like a really long day I'm surprised that it wasn't really that awful, maybe because I really didn't share that much about me with Harmony, but I was so sure in the morning that this day was going to drain the life out of me.

When I look at the clock I realize that it's not that late, only a quarter past 10 so I decide to get my drinking on and relax a little. Even though Quinn seems to think I'm a professional psychologist, I am not. In high school I wanted to be either lawyer or a doctor until I realized that being like my parents was exactly the opposite of what I wanted to do with my life. Instead I became a cliché, working on music and painting and I have never felt more proud of anything in my life.

"_I'm home. Mom, are you here?" Guess not…_

"_Santana, come here please I'm upstairs" I heard my mom say. Wait was she crying? Shit._

"_I'm coming" As I start walking my heart starts beating faster and the pit of my stomach starts burning with anticipation, until I finally reach my mom's room. The door is slightly open and I can see my mom seated on the floor with her knees up to her chest, sobbing as if she held all the sadness in the world._

"_Mom, what's wrong? You are scaring me" I said trying to hold my tears because seeing my mom like this just breaks my heart, it really kills me. Not a lot of people know that my mom and I are like best friends; we talk about everything minus sex, because that would be just plain awkward and gross. She wears her heart on her sleeve. I would like to say that I'm like her but in reality it's the opposite. If she is light, I'm darkness and that's why I have to take care of her._

"_Your dad, he left… again" she said with so much pain in her voice. _

"_Mom, I just… shit. I really don't know what to say." I said hugging her and I felt how she was crumbling between my arms. I was trying to hold her together but she just kept slipping out of my embrace as if she was made of sand._

_She was never the same after that day…_

I was shaking my head trying to fight off the memory. That day was one of the days that defined me because when you are young, you think your parents are going to protect you from everything and that day I realized that between my mom and I, our roles have reversed. Without knowing she put me in charge and I had to take care of her. Later that week I found out that my dad had left us because he didn't love my mom anymore, he cheated on her and then left. He actually had the balls to tell me and I had the lady balls to slap the shit out of him. We never had a good relationship, he had cheated before and I never forgave him but my mom did so I had to keep my mouth shut for her.

I don't regret anything that has happened to me, thanks to it I'm the person that I am now. Thanks to that I knew back then that I didn't want to be a narcissistic or egocentric asshole like my dad or one of those people who are blinded by what they call love, forgiving every mistreatment from the person they love, like my mom.

I started focusing on things I liked, things that gave me peace and I found myself immersed in the arts, my safe haven.

_Brittany was there too…_ I swore I heard someone whispering in my ear. Sometimes I wonder why she stopped loving me, when and where did things go wrong. Something that not even Quinn knows is that after 6 long years, I keep dreaming about her. We haven't seen each other for so long and she appears in my dreams at least once a month. It's kind of pathetic, but being honest I know that she was the only one for me and there won't be anyone else. I've had relationships after her but they were so meaningless to me, after the sense of novelty fades so do I. It's really difficult to find somebody worthy if you know that everything you are looking for is a person who you can't have anymore and nothing can match her.

The sound of my phone ringing brought me back to reality, so I took it out from my back pocket to see that I have a new message from "Asswipe." Clicking read, I chuckled a little because I have forgotten that I had saved Puck's number under that name.

How's ma lil' muff muncher jst wondering wot u doin right now. P

A couple of seconds after reading the text I started typing my reply.

Chillin and If u call me dat ever again I'll endz u, Puckerman. S

I was waiting for Puck's reply when the doorbell rang and I start walking to the door. "Who is it?" I asked, smiling like a crazy woman when I hear Puck from the other side saying something like "The bestest lesbro in America." I actually laugh because only Puck could manage being stupid and cute at the same time, not that I ever will tell him that. I open the door and there he is leaning on the wall with a huge grin on his face.

"What are you doing here?" I said trying to sound unimpressed.

"What? Is that the way to talk to your best friend after not seeing him for months?" he said while he started walking towards me with his arms open. I'm really happy to see him because it's true, he is my best male friend and we haven't seen each other since he had to go back to Lima to take care of his mom when she got sick.

"Come here, you! I missed you" I said running to his arms.

"Ok, let me go Puck! Enough. I didn't miss you that much." I heard him laughing. "What are you doing here, Puck? I thought you were going to be stuck in Lima for at least another month until your mom can take care of herself again."

"You know the woman; she hates being nursed around. She kept yelling at me saying she didn't need a babysitter." I can totally picture Puck's mom doing this, that woman is fierce.

"Are you staying here for good, then?"

"Sadly no, I need to go back there in a week. Mom has a doctor appointment and depending on how the doctor thinks my mom's recovering is going, I'll know when I'm coming back here, for good this time." he said looking a little bit anxious.

"Don't worry, Puck. Your mom is going to be fine, I'm sure it's extremely difficult for you to deal with this in your own but she is strong. I mean not even a heart attack could stop her, right? Do you want a beer?" He nods and smiles lazily. I'm walking to the kitchen when I hear him say that I really know how to cheer him up.

"I'm glad you are here even if it's just for a week and I want you to tell me everything that has happened in Lima. How is everyone there?" I said opening the fridge. When I get no response I turn to look at Puck only to see him asleep peacefully on the couch.

"Guess it's time to get some sleep," I mumble to myself. This day has been definitely eventful I'm just hoping not to have one of those nights when the longing for a certain blonde becomes unbearable.

* * *

><p>Wednesday passed uneventfully. Quinn, Puck and I went out for dinner and Puck told us how everything in Lima is going. It was a really short conversation but that was expected, right? It's not like life in Lima is super exciting.<p>

Right now I'm trying to write lyrics from this tune that Puck was playing earlier but can't find my words. It's not like I don't know what to say or I'm not feeling the melody, it's just that I'm feeling too much lately and it makes me uneasy, so much that it's leaving me speechless.

I can feel that something big is coming up or maybe I'm just crazy and my brain is playing tricks on me, but I decided to go for a walk.

Sitting under a tree with a cigarette on my lips and my headphones on, I'm having one of those moments in life when you feel complete, where you don't care what you're missing or how unhappy you usually feel and instead you feel blessed, like everything is perfect the way it is, and it might not be ideal half the time but you wouldn't have it any other way. It's a very uncommon moment but every time I'm in one I try to hold onto it and savor it so I don't forget that life might be shitty, but it's really beautiful if you are paying close enough attention.

"_Why are you smiling, S?" she asked me when she saw that I was looking at her. She was humming a song casually but she looked so at ease with herself all the time, so cheerful that it's contagious and really beautiful._

"_Because I have you in my life and you are beautiful" I said feeling really lucky. I can't believe that the girl I used to like from afar, who is extremely gorgeous, adorable and sweet has paid me attention and reciprocated my feelings. I know I'm hot and I get a lot of attention if I'm being honest. But with her it's so special, I feel like I'm dreaming because no matter how hot I am she is hotter, she is better and she's everything I am not. We are like oil and water or sand and cotton but instead of being just opposites we seem to be able to blend. I have never felt like this, like I'm complete and nothing can stop me._

"_San, are you listening to me?" With that she snapped me out of my thoughts._

"_Sorry baby, I was just thinking. What were you saying?"_

"_I said that I love you and I don't want to lose you, ever," she said walking towards me. With every step she took, my heart beat faster until she stopped right in front of me with that big smile I love so much and leaned down as I stood on my tiptoes so we could meet half way. Everything was perfect and filled by her, I can only feel her all around me as if she were burning me from the inside, melting me and purifying me, right then I felt as if the world had stopped turning._

_We broke apart when the need for air was too strong. "I love you more than you will ever know," I whispered in her ear._

The rumbling of my stomach took me back from memory lane and I decide it's time to go eat so I took out my phone and started typing a text to Quinn. I know she isn't working because Thursdays are her day off. I told her to meet me at the Chinese restaurant that's 3 blocks from her apartment so we can eat together. I know she loves to get her Chinese on.

Sometimes when everything around you feels so strange and foreign, you find comfort in little things that you never paid attention to. Even taking a shower gives you some kind of stability if you're too deep in your whirlwind of emotions. That's what Quinn gives me, stability. We need each other, we are a family.

About 20 minutes later I'm here waiting for Quinn. I swear if she doesn't have a good excuse I will kill her, but after getting some food inside me because right now I'm starving.

"Hey, have you ordered anything?" I looked up from the menu and there she is, blonde, and hazel eyes, but wait a minute, she has this glow. Oh Jesus fucking Christ!

"WHO? Spare me the details just tell me who is this person you just fucked?" Hearing this she started blushing.

"How did you know?" she asked eyeing me wearily.

"You have your lion Quinn hair on and you know that glow that says 'I just had multiple orgasms today' is radiating from you and stop trying to distract me, I wantz names" I said looking smug.

"You don't know him. I don't even know him that well but he has blonde hair, green eyes, a killer smile and his abs put any gay to shame. His name is Jake; I met him a couple of weeks in that bar we went to, the one near Soho." He sounds like a Ken, leave it to Quinn to find someone who looks like a doll.

"Congrats Quinnie for hooking up a Barbie dolls! And tell me how it goes with this Jake guy, ok? Let's eat something because I'm really starving"

"So, Tana. A little bird told me that you have a date tomorrow with an underage. Are you into jailbait, now?"

"You are so funny, Quinn! Hilarious! Well, she is not so bad, I'd tap that," I said keeping a straight face and Quinn is just looking disgusted by the idea.

"I'm kidding. You know I wouldn't do that. She could be our sister or something. And yes I told her I will see her tomorrow so we can talk a little bit more, but you know what, let's not talk about it right now."

Our little meal ended too fast and 45 minutes later I was saying good bye to Quinn and heading back to my apartment where Puck might be waiting for me to hang out.

When I got home Puck wasn't there and I found a note from him, saying that he went hunting and not to wait up for him. I switched the iPod deck on, the music blasting from the speakers, and lay down on the couch with a beer in my hand.

Lately I have been longing for her more and more. I've even been dreaming about her more. Call me stupid and naïve but I'm sure this has to mean something. I think she is calling me, waiting for me and I keep feeling that the more I fight it the more intense it gets, and the faster I run to escape from her the faster she is going to reach me.

It would be a great thing, you know? Finding her again. But it would leave me with so much heartache. How am I going to be able to cope seeing her happy maybe even in love with someone else when I haven't moved on completely? And why am I the one that has sleepless nights and "what ifs" on my mind all the time? I need to accept that what we had wasn't a lie but like all good things in the world it came to an end.

After our break up I had to go to therapy. Quinn was the one who dragged me there and I'm thankful she did. If I kept going on the same path, I probably wouldn't be here right now.

It was difficult for me waking up one day without the love of my life, no family and no future. My senior year had been a disaster. My grades were far from perfect and I didn't even try to fix them up, so after graduating I didn't have a university to go. All my friends were leaving Lima so it was a shock for me that all the things I had planned for me weren't happening, things I was really sure were coming for me never came and… I was a failure, or at least I felt like one.

I didn't have my mom to take care of me because earlier that year she decided that enough was enough and it was time for her to get her life back. In order to find herself she moved to California where my aunt Ana lives. I was okay with it because at least she was trying to get her shit together and who was I to deny her the opportunity? I did get lonely when she left but I was happy for her.

With all the changes I was going through it was difficult to tell apart lies from truth. I started doubting everything but mostly doubting who I was and what I was capable of doing, I just stopped being confident because nothing was going as I expected.

I never thought that I could be so weak. I used to cry half of the time and get drunk the other half just to end up crying some more.

I hooked up with a lot of people as if looking for some kind of comfort, but I never got it and instead I felt dirty and empty. Every person I had been with left, taking another piece of my sanity with them.

_Another night and another body in my bed and I still felt drunk. I remember seeing Puck there. What was he doing there? It doesn't matter, he was mad, really mad at me when he saw me kissing that girl, what was her name?… Ughh, never mind it's not like I'm going to see her again._

_I love my friends but right now I can't stand being around them. It's just too much, every time I see Quinn or Puck it's just another reminder of what I lost and I can't stand it right now. _

_I went into the kitchen looking for something to eat and when I opened the fridge I saw that I didn't have food, just a lot of beer. _

"_Beer, it is" I said to myself I was disgusted but I kept drinking. One beer became 3 and then 4. I was such a mess and I miss my mom and Brittany, it had been a month since we broke up so I was really really missing her voice. That's when I decided to call her._

_I felt really anxious when the phone was ringing. Just pick up, Britt. Pick up. And then I heard her voice so sweet to my ears._

"_Hello?" I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't open my mouth immediately._

"_Santana, I know it's you. You know phones have ID, right?" Shit, now she thinks I'm a creeper._

"_Oh yes, sorry I just didn't know what to say." Really Santana, really? Didn't know what to say? You finally found your voice and that's what you said. You are so stupid._

"_What do you want, San?" she said really monotone. I swear I know what look she has on her face right now._

"_Just wanted to know if you are happy… with him?" In reality I just wanted to scream HOW COULD YOU FORGET ABOUT ME SO EASILY? It had been just a month and she was already with someone else. No one warned me about it, but then one day I was walking into this bar and I saw her there sitting with some blonde guy. He looked like an Abercrombie model and I hated it. I refused to leave the place and she wasn't going to make me leave. I'm Santana fucking Lopez and she wasn't going to see that she was breaking my heart._

"_About that, I'm sorry Santana. I didn't know you were going to be there… but you don't get to ask those questions. What do you want? What do you want from me?" I could hear her challenging me, measuring me. I guess she had had enough of my inability to talk because the next thing she said was "are you trying to get me back?" A hint of doubt could be heard in her words._

"_No," I said without thinking. "I love you, but I don't know what I want anymore." I knew that I couldn't be with her like this. I was a mess and I might be a bitch but I wasn't about to hold her back. She was going places, she got into Julliard and I was so proud of her. I didn't want her to carry my dead weight._

"_You know Santana, I don't want to talk to you ever again so please don't call me, don't text me. I have had enough of you." And with that she hung up._

_The problem is that I love her but I don't know how much I love her. What if I'm becoming my mom? What if I'm just really used to her? I don't want to taint what we have with my insecurities. _

Back then I couldn't tell truth from a lie. I was lying to myself and when I realized what was happening it was too late. She had left to go to Julliard and she never looked back.

**AN: Hope you like this chapter. I think I just gave you enough background so you can understand Santana more in next chapters and Im going to try to write fast paced chapters now, ok? Thanks for reading! and thanks to M-zy, Vixien00, Marixa and Smileanyway142 for their reviews, they made me really happy.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Glee no es mío, es mas no se siquiera porque escribo un fic de algo que no es mío y en un idioma que no es el mío. ****Nada me pertenece, ven? Jaj**

I'm sitting at the same cafe Harmony and I came the first day we started talking. I'm waiting for her to get her ass here.  
>Oh, there she is walking into the cafe wearing a really obnoxious and extremely big red hat. We say our greetings and I don't think we need to be around the bushes so here we go...<p>

"Ok Harmony, let's make a deal. You can ask me whatever you want, but you need to tell me what's bothering you. I know you keep holding back. Deal?" I saw her biting her lip nervously.

"Ok. It's not whatever you are thinking though, I know you and miss Quinn are worried but it's not that big of a deal it's just..."

_"Hello, you__ must__ be Harmony. It's nice to meet you, I'm Dr. Johnson but you can call me David if you prefer.""Do you know why you are here?" He said expectantly. _

_"No, I don't understand my presence here" I said trying to understand why my mom has brought me here._

_"Well, your mom is worried..." I heard him say and I blurt out "What about?" Because really what is there to worry about I haven't done anything wrong._

_"It seems that she found out your diary" Sweet Barbra Streisand! How did she found out my diary? Is not like she was walking around the kitchen and it magically appear__ed__ beside the microwave or something._

_"...And she read what you wrote, everything. I'm sorry Harmony" I could feel the color draining out of my face._

_"What exactly did she read?" I said weakly_

_"That you are gay" He said uncomfortable._

_"And why am I here exactly?" I really don't know what to think, that was no accident she was looking for my diary. Why didn't __she__ tell me anything?_

_"You are here just to talk to me if something is confusing you or..."_

_"Wait a second, Dave" I said remarking his name "Are you telling me I'm here to be cured or to talk me out of it?"_

_"__No, please don't think that way I'm just trying to help you with whatever you want..." I wasn't having it __and stormed out of the room  
><em>  
>"I'm sorry Harmony, what did your mom tell you?" I asked feeling sad for her.<p>

"She didn't say anything. It was really awkward because she knew I knew that she read my diary but I didn't have the courage to confront her. I never thought she would be capable of doing something like this." she took a couple of seconds to continue talking "I came out to my dad a day after that, but they seem to think I'm going through a phase and I'm obliged to go with Dr. Johnson once a week." Harmony let out a sigh. "And that's why I haven't been myself, it's really hard when you feel like you can't trust anyone, not even your own parents and it's far worse when you know they don't like who you are."

"I'm really, really sorry Har. I know it is really difficult but you are not alone, you need to give them time and let them get used to the idea that not everything has to be the way they want. I have told you before and I'm going to say it again, ok? You are not alone." I said putting a hand on her shoulder "And what is this Johnson guy doing? Is he trying to talk some sense into your thick skull?" I said air quoting the last part.

"No, he is actually a really nice guy, I like him. He is helping me to understand that I'm in control here and that I should come out to people at my own time and accept myself. Which is good since my mother basically dragged me out of the closet just to make me walk into it later and close it with a padlock and some chains." she said defeated with her head hanging down.

"Hey look at me!" I said energetically putting my finger under her chin and raising her head so she could see me.  
>"I never want to see you like this, ok? You always have to be with your head held high. You don't have anything to be ashamed of" and she smiled at me.<p>

"You know I really appreciate this, thank you Santana" she said as she stood up to hug me.

"You are welcome, girl" I said laughing because the hug was unexpected then I remembered her words the last time we talked... "Hey Harmony, didn't you tell me last time we saw each other that your parents didn't care about your sexual preferences?

"No, I said and I'm going to quote myself here if you may let _me 'I wasn't that worried about people knowing about my sexuality_ 'which is true" she just talked like Berry, Jesus Christ I need to make sure that Berry isn't her mom.

"… Because I have been openly gay outside my house. I mean I did have a girlfriend in my school"  
>"Ok, now that's settle I want you to know that you can count on me and that if you ever feel like talking to someone who isn't the Johnson guy then here I am, ok? And you can start asking whatever you want to know now, after all a deal is a deal" Like a band aid, fast and painless.<p>

* * *

><p>After 2 hours of this interrogation I'm feeling kind of grumpy. This girl now knows that I'm an only child, that my dad is out of the picture and that black is my favorite color between a bunch of a lot of irrelevant stuff. I'm surprised that her first question wasn't Brittany related.<p>

"Now let's move to the good stuff, as you know Broadway is my life so give me some drama, What about the girl you mentioned last time, Brittany. Why did you guys broke up?" Arggh I think I spoke too fast."You had to go there!" I protested.

"You told me I could ask anything I wanted" it's true but nice people don't start getting in others people business just like that.

"Ok, she cheated on me with a bitch named Jennifer, she was one of my closest friends back in high schoo or at least I thought she was. I forgave her but after six months I kept doubting about us, I knew she loved me and my so called friend was pursuing her for a long time behind my back. So I blame more that stupid bitch than Brittany but it doesn't mean that Britt wasn't in the wrong, you know?" I took a sip of my beer and saw that Harmony was staring me expectantly so I continued talking.

"The only thing that could really destroy me was that, since my father did the same to my mom, it's a big issue for me. Some people can let it go out of love and I tried to but I couldn't. Every time I was with her I couldn't stop thinking that I was just like my mom and that Brittany was going to be just like my dad, deep inside I knew that this wasn't true because Brittany was a caring person, she always was and I know she would rather die than hurt anyone, at least on purpose." I was lost in my thoughts, it doesn't hurt that much now but it stung for ages after it happened.

"So you didn't trust her after that?" Harmony asked intrigued.

"I trusted her but I kept thinking that something was very wrong with me if I made her feel like she needed to be with other person. Another thing that this does to you, is that you lose your confidence and I didn't like to feel so vulnerable, it's very complex because like I said I trusted her but I felt jealous of almost everyone. In her defense I will say that I was going through a lot back then with all the stuff with my dad and my mom's depression I wasn't exactly unicorns and rainbows. She constantly was trying to get me to talk to her but I kept pushing her off and not because of her, it was more like I wasn't ready to talk about it, I just wanted to forget all about it." I sighed.

"Did she know? Did you try to tell her all of this?" she asked with a hint of frustration in her voice.

"No, I didn't because when I could finally pinpoint all the feelings I had, it was too late. You need to understand that some people aren't that in touch with themselves, besides I'm sure she forgot about me very fast so I guess that everything happens for a reason."

There are two things I'm not telling Harmony. One, that Brittany tried to talk to me after that and I didn't listen to her until one day Britt left me a letter in my house.

_San:  
>I feel so stupid doing this, I tried to reach you in so <em>_many__different ways but it seems as if you were hiding from me.  
>I finally <em>_got __your message, don't worry after this, I'm going to stop. I know how much you hate creepers.  
>I know that what I did was wrong, it's the worst thing I have ever done and every day I keep regretting it because you are the only person I have ever loved. Before I met you I thought I knew what loves felt like but I didn't know, you showed me what the real thing is all about. I can't be more thankful of that, you have been everything for me, my best friend, my teacher, my girlfriend and even my doctor, remember that one time that I was trying to teach you how to ride a dirt bike and we felt? I broke my arm and you were there every day taking care of me. I won't forget any of this because<em>_it__ is our story. I'm sorry I let you down but you weren't there San. You were there but you weren't, it broke my heart seeing you gradually building your walls up higher and higher. You didn't let me in and I tried so hard because for you I'd do anything.  
>I know that you don't like talking about this but you need to know that day with Jennifer, I wasn't planning on meeting her at that bar, you know that I don't like to use my fake ID when I'm not with you, I was just so extremely frustrated and you were driving me crazy because no matter what I did I still felt you so far away from me. So I went there to get my drink on (See, I miss you so much that I'm talking like you) and Jen was there, I was talking to her about you and she kissed me out of nowhere I don't know why I kissed her back, maybe because it was nice to feel that someone actually wants you there, again. I just want to let you know that I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. If you think that we still have a chance let me know. I LOVE YOU, BABY. COME BACK TO ME.<br>P.s. Lord Tubbington thinks you are purrrfect and so do I. He also wants me to tell you that he helped me write this letter (not really)_

Yours and proudly so, Brittany.

You could see that Brittany was crying when she wrote it because there were some stains where her tears fell. I didn't look for her, not even a text after that the only time that I talked to her was when I called her drunk, where she told me to fuck off, my words not hers. That drunken call would be the second thing I'm not telling Harmony.

"Santana, are you all right?... Harmony asked looking worried "You seemed conflicted and got very quiet, I'm sorry I pried"

"It's ok, Har. I was just thinking and a deal is a deal, besides I always keep my word."

"Santana if you got a second chance would you let her get in, again?" I wanted to say yes, in a heartbeat but I said "The problem kid, is that you don't get second chances all the time." I need some drinking therapy right now so I took my phone out of my pocket and I sent a text to Puck and Quinn telling them to meet me at our favorite club.

"Let's just ask for the check, kiddo. I will walk you home ok?"

The thing with relationships is that they are tricky, because there is always two sides of a story. I hurt Brittany as much as she hurt me, there isn't really a bad guy here. We were both responsible of how our relationship had ended. No matter how much I miss her all the time I wouldn't change a thing because I know that back then I wasn't ready or mature enough to be with her as she deserved and if I ever get a second chance I will be ready to give her everything she ever wanted from me.

* * *

><p>Puck, Quinn and I were on the dance floor attempting to dance because the three of us were very drunk. Every time we went to get more drinks we ended up toasting for the stupidest things ever. Quinn and I got some drinks from strangers, it felt so much like high school.<p>

Puck was trying to hook up with a blonde girl who could be Quinn's twin, it was so confusing that I kept calling the poor girl Quinn and some guy asked Quinn to dance with him so I decided to go sit for a bit in the bar because I wasn't feeling the whole third wheel thing very much.  
>I was asking the bartender for a beer when I felt a hand on my back as I turned to see who the person touching me was my eyes laid on the most beautiful girl I have seen in a very long time.<p>

She was a tall redhead and _oh boy_! if redheads aren't my weakness, brown penetrating eyes and really pale skin, saying that she was gorgeous would be the understatement of the year. The things I would do to you, girl! We were eying each other when she started leaning to whisper something in my ear "I already bought you a beer" holly sweet hell on top of everything I just said she has the sexiest husky voice I have ever listened in my life. She could just talk to me and get me pregnant. It took like a minute to react after she told me about the beer and I couldn't find my voice so I just nodded, damn it Lopez! Where did your charm go?  
>We started walking to a table when I felt someone grabbing my arm, what the fuck is going on?<br>"San, we need to go. Puck got into a fight and the security threw him out" she yelled over the music.I turned to see that smoking hot redhead and she looked kind of defeated.

"Sorry, I have to go. See you around" I said trying to sound sexy.

"Oh definitely we will" she said smirking. I have never hated Puck so much, if the other guy didn't kill him I swear I will.

"Bye" with that I started walking following Quinn to the exit.

"Where is Puck?" I asked, "I'm really going to kill him".

"I let him there" Quinn said pointing with her finger to a corner.

"Puck!" I yelled and he appeared out of nowhere, Quinn and I just started laughing.

"Were you hiding?" Quinn said sending the three of us into hysterics.

"Guilty, the other guy was huge and I ain't stupid" said the guy that still wears his "I'M WITH STUPID" tee.

"Quinn you are staying with us." I stated "come on cockblock let's go home" I said turning to Puck; it was a good therapy session before Puck got kicked out, I was having a really good time and that wasn't very common.

I think that things are going to start to look bright and maybe I should stop dwelling in all the things I can't change, it's going to be difficult seeing as bad habits die hard but I'm going to try.

**AN: I'm really nervous about this one, some of you guys were wondering why did they break up? So I hope not disappoint you, guys. Also now you know that Brittany has her reasons to be "mean" in the last chapter, right? And the first flashback was on Harmony POV. Please let me know your thoughts on this chapter, if you liked it or don't so I know what to do next.**


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything if I do probably Britt would actually talk and Brittana would have kissed by now, multiple times.**

_**A month later…**_

Everything has been surprisingly good these days, I haven't talked to Harmony in 3 weeks, but I think that our little heart to heart had more impact on me than her. It certainly helped me more than I would have thought.

I can't lie; I can't say that talking about my life made everything ok and that now I feel like a reborn woman because that would be a lie, things aren't that simple, they never are. But I can say that I feel lighter ever since I opened up to her. Maybe I should have the same talk with Quinn, but something about Harmony being a stranger made talking easier. She couldn't judge me and even if she had, it doesn't hurt me because she hardly even knows me.

So far Quinn knows that Brittany and I broke up and that I had seen her with the Abercrombie model 2 weeks later, she doesn't know that I pushed Brittany away so I'm planning on tell her everything, it has been bothering me that she doesn't know the whole truth and maybe that's what had kept her from contacting Brittany and I may be a bitch but I'd never do that, meddling with other people's feelings is just not something I'd do now.

I guess that all my life I've been living as if it were one of those awkward moments when someone says something to you but you don't quite hear them so you just nod along and smile, only that I didn't smile I just nodded and went with the flow.

In other news, Puck is back. He moved back into his old apartment and we have been working together on some songs, some of them are mine and they need to be polished and some were his.

One day I was helping him with one of the songs trying to put some lyrics that match better with the upbeat melody to go with the music that kept pouring out of his guitar when it hit us. If this is what we always do then why don't we do it together? So now we have a band and being honest I never wanted to be in one but I'm all about trying new things lately so I'm giving this a try and it has been fun so far. Puck recruited one of his friends, James to play the bass and he is really good. I wanted to play the drums but Puck said he wants me up front doing vocals, we argued about this because come on have you ever heard of Underoath? Anyways I finally gave in so I asked my friend Luca to join us and play the drums. So we are set, Puck on the guitar, James on the bass, Luca on the drum set and me on the vocals though Puck and I alternate sometimes, there are songs that go better with his range of voice and vice versa.

I like to hang out with boys because they are drama free most of the time and these guys are pretty chill so I like them. I've known Luca for almost as long as Puck and I've been living in New York, which would be about 3 years now. We met when I was working as a waitress on a really cool cafe where we had open mic nights were you could either perform with your band or do a kind of experimental performance, play a few songs or just read poetry. It was really bohemian and I loved the vibe there. So he was a regular and we instantly clicked because we both felt like outsiders since I was relatively new here and he was just acclimatizing to the country, he is British. And then we have James. He seems to be a really obnoxious guy, thinking he is a bad boy and a womanizer an "in your face" kind of guy, but when you get to know him a little, you can see that he is a really sweet, compassionate and caring guy so James fits perfectly with us. I think he could be Puck's long lost brother.

Our first show is in two days and that definitely has all of us nervous, but not a "shitting my pants" kind of nervous more like a really excited "let's do this" nervous, when you just can't wait anymore and want everything whether is good or bad to just happen.

* * *

><p>I had a really busy couple of days setting everything up for this gig. We aren't perfect but in all honesty we aren't looking for perfection here, something about finding the beauty on our imperfections comes to my mind every time I am with the guys. It's so cliché that I love it because it has been a while since something made me this happy.<p>

Puck and I were in getting our equipment set up for tonight, finally the day we were waiting for. I was taking care of the drum set while Puck was connecting some wires here and there and checking the amplifiers, basically we were doing a sound check and waiting for James and Luca to arrive so we could get this done and actually enjoy being here. Though this is not a random party, James happens to be friends with this guy called Morfeo, how original right? I can't take seriously a guy who is called like that; it's just not working for me. Anyways this Morfeo dude is supposed to be one of the hosts of some secret parties all around New York and New Jersey, I have never been in one but they have quite a reputation for being extremely dope also there are just two ways of getting your ass in; One would be if you actually get invited, those who are invited get a text just an hour before it starts and they can bring 5 friends along with them, they also don't pay for a single thing all night but their entourage does have to pay for their own drinks. And the other way would be checking Morfeo's facebook page, he leaves some kind of clue on his status and if you get the hint then you are one step closer, it seems to be a whole treasure hunting game and each party has a different theme so the location goes according to the theme of the night.

When James told us all of these, we didn't believe him because really? Who is going to want to go through so much trouble just to get into a party and how are we going to fit in there?

Well tonight's theme is industrial something, Puck tried to made me memorized the damned name but it keeps slipping off my mind, but I do get the concept and its pretty cool. We are in what it looks like an abandoned metal smelter factory, there is a lot of free space where I suppose all the machines used to be, the place is huge and the ceiling is really high. The factory is divided in 4 sections, the first one is near the entrance it's a small labyrinth with the walls all covered in graffiti some tags here, some tags there a big piece from a writer who is pretty well known but what makes it more interesting is that the paint they used is all fluorescent and the lighting of this whole place is very dark with UV bulbs everywhere and strobe lighting. In every corner of the factory you can find some body paints, it's kind of crazy but so fucking cool. I have been exploring since we got here and I'm digging it.

The second section is exactly in the middle of the factory is just a lounge with a huge bar and what it looks like a stage. I heard from the Morfeo dude that there is going to be some performers that do something really similar to the blue man group and I can't wait to see them.

The third section is just a big room on the another corner of the factory, the walls are made of some thick metal so everything is a gold-ish brown around here and this section is the only one who actually has some powerful lighting, it doesn't have a stage but there are some reflectors on the floor marking the perimeter of where the stage could be and all our instruments are set here according to that. We need to be on top of our game so we don't screw this chance, Morfeo is paying us really well and if we do well tonight he is going to let us play for him in some other party.

The forth section is upstairs it's a wide open space It has a bar there but it's really small compared to the one downstairs it doesn't have walls it has huge windows so you can see everything from there and it's going to be some DJ playing some techno. We all have turns obviously or it would be madness in here, it gives us time to explore around before our respective performances.

* * *

><p>"This party is awesome" I yelled hoping Puck could hear me. "Where is Quinn? She should have been here an hour ago"<p>

He lean into my ear "I don't know, girl. I ain't his daddy though I could be" Puck said wiggling his eyebrows.

"Don't be an ass, Puckerman" I threw him a glare. "Let's go outside for a smoke, you know it helps me get my raspy voice" that was a lie and we knew it but I needed one and I was going to call Quinn while being there so, really, it's a win, win situation for everyone.

I'm nervous because it's going to be our turn to start playing in 15 minutes, the DJ was on before us and his set list was really good.

Once outside I took out my phone and started dialing an all too familiar number. After 3 rings she answered.

"Q, why ain't you here, yet?" there was a lot of background noise so I couldn't hear her well.

"Sorry, on my way there I ran into Harmony" Quinn said curtly.

"It's fine, just hurry up. We are about to start playing"

"Don't worry, I'll be there"

We exchanged good bye's and I lit a cigarette. I know that it's far from ideal to smoke right now or like ever, but I found it relaxing. Inhale then exhale, easy and comforting. I definitely love my cancer sticks.

I threw the cigarette away and checked the hour on my phone.

"Let's go, Puck" with that we just started walking our way to "our" section, where James and Luca were already. We finally reached the stage; this place was filling up and quickly. There were a lot of people there; at least more than I thought would be interested on seeing us play.

I heard someone calling my name, I turned to my right and there she was, Quinn. I was so glad that she was here. I started walking up to her and the nearer I got to her the clearer I could see that she was… Conflicted? Maybe even nervous? This totally threw me off, but then she hugged me so obviously I won't be liking anything she has to tell me.

"I'm sorry" She said with teary eyes.

"What are you talking about?" I said looking at her really confused

"I'm sorry. I tried to avoid it, I swear" Quinn said sympathetic.

"I really don't know what's going on, Quinn. Are you high?" I said focusing in her hazel eyes. She moved a little to the left and then I could understand.

I felt the life draining out of me. Everything went silent and it started fading away. My knees were betraying me and getting weak. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

I felt something switching inside me like a fire in my guts burning me very slowly and painfully. I was getting mad and I wanted answers, maybe kill someone too.

"You can't lose it, Lopez" I repeated time after time in my head while walking towards her. Everything I was trying to forget, all the feelings I was trying to understand, all the years it took me to rebuild myself, didn't matter anymore because everything was going straight to hell.

"What are you doing here, Brittany?

She looks almost the same since I last saw her 5 years ago, only older, but still very beautiful if not more. Blue eyes everything was so blue around me, she was swallowing me into her world, again. Come on, Santana! Fucking snap out of it!

"I invited her. I thought you guys should talk" interjected Harmony nervously. No you fucking didn't, fuck my life.

"Hi, San" Brittany said and was only in that moment when I noticed we haven't broken eye contact. I blinked because I couldn't believe this was happening. Why did Harmony do this? And all my self control went out of the window just like that. I felt my blood boiling and I was now facing Harmony, I took one step closer to her so we were practically touching faces and I leaned in, keeping my eyes on hers.

"You have no right" I said gritting my teeth "I trusted you" I yelled this time.

"You know what, fuck it! You ain't worth it" I said with venom

"Santana" Brittany said trying to get a hold on my arm "that's enough, you are scaring her. Don't be so mean" I turned to see Brittany, I could see that she was nervous and I may be wrong but maybe… sad?

No Santana, no. Don't start now; you don't even know why she is here. I was mad at myself because all the self control and work trying to deal better with my emotions and shit like that didn't work, not even for those 2 seconds of me standing in front of her. She still has the same effect on me. It's pathetic.

I sighed "Nice to see you again, enjoy" I stormed off to the stage and towards Puck without saying another word. How fucked up is this? I really should listen to people when they say careful what you wish for. It should have been different. Me seeing her again, it should have been so different and when I could make her proud and where she could make me feel more than just regrets.

"Hey Lopez, you ok?" Puck said worried and I just nodded.

"Was that Brittany?" he said confused

"Yes, she was. Let's not talk about it right now, ok? He sent me and apologetical look.

"Let's do this" I said trying to smile to him but I'm sure it looked more like a grimace.

The lights went off; it was our signal to start so Puck took the mic and started singing. He really was good at enchanting the audience. I can't say I paid attention to what he said because I was more focused on finding her in the audience. I didn't mean to do that but it was something my body did at its own command. I couldn't find her though so I guess she must have left.

I sighed feeling a weight lifting off of my shoulders; it didn't last long because I immediately started feeling sad and nostalgic.

All my feelings were pouring into the songs, I sang song after song and with each of them I got more worked up, it was crazy how much rage I felt inside of me.

We were about to start playing our sixth song and I was still very pissed, but I felt her eyes on me. Where are you? I thought, scanning the crowd. I finally found her there, in the middle of the room.

She was looking right at me with a beer in her hand. I couldn't stand it 5 years had passed and I was still a mess every time she was near me. She could still make me feel so hopeless, so unlike me… So weak. Why do I feel weak? Easy, because sometimes love is sharing yourself with someone else, it makes you lose control over your decisions and even over yourself, it makes you think about someone else and their well-being. And I have always been so careless.

I knew what song was next and it was Puck's turn to sing. He had always sung it on rehearsals but I knew I had to do this and sing it instead.

"Ok guys, this song was written for my girl here" He said pointing at me and putting his arms around me.

"It's a special song because thanks to it, we are here now" I heard him say. It's true this song is the one I worked so hard to find the lyrics for, the one it took me a lot of dipping in myself to get it right.

He turned to look at us to see if we were ready and I just said "Let me sing" he looked at me as if I was crazy.

"It's not your range, San" I didn't even care at this point.

"It's fine, Puck. Just tell James to do backup vocals" he nodded his head and gave the new instructions to James.

"Hey Santana!" James yelled making me turn to him with a _what the fuck?_ Look in my face.

"Let's fucking kill this, yeah?"

I smirked

"Always Jimmy boy, always"

Then we laughed

The sound of the guitar snapped me out of my reverie and it was time to say some things…

_I fell in love with the world__  
><em>_(She gave me) _*James*

_Everything __that I deserved__  
><em>_(I had) *_James*

_All that I wanted and more, right in my hands__  
><em>_(Some things just never last)*_James*

_She ran away with the sun__  
><em>_(I guess)_*James*

_The moon and the stars must have followed along__  
><em>_'Cause I'm here in the cold and the dark until she returns__  
><em>_(Lie because the truth really hurts)_*James*

_Oh, the universe is crumbling tonight__  
><em>_Oh, and I'm not sure if we can survive__  
><em>_Oh, you left me here with nothing at all__  
><em>_With my back against the wall_

_Send the priests, they all gather around__  
><em>_They tie up my hands, but they won't hear me out__  
><em>_No I'm not the one, I'm not the one to blame__  
><em>_(They will murder me just the same) _*James*_  
><em>_She hung her promises, I took the bait__  
><em>_She sold us out just for fortune and fame__  
><em>_No she's not the one, she's not the one to save__  
><em>_(We're the fools that fell into her game)_*James*

_Oh, the universe is crumbling tonight__  
><em>_Oh, and I'm not sure if we can survive__  
><em>_Oh, you left me here with nothing at all__  
><em>_With my back against the wall__  
><em>_Oh, the universe is crumbling tonight__  
><em>_Oh, and I'm not sure if we can survive__  
><em>_Oh, you left me here with nothing at all__  
><em>_With my back against the wall_

_So is this what it takes to separate the craving from the purpose?__  
><em>_Measured by success and not the motives of the heart__  
><em>_And we are crushed beneath the weight of all__  
><em>_the pressure that is put on our shoulders but__  
><em>_We could be honest, confess our weakness__  
><em>_Give up our innocence for the blame__  
><em>_We could be saved…_

_Oh, the universe is crumbling tonight__  
><em>_Oh, and I'm not sure if we can survive__  
><em>_Oh, you left me here with nothing at all__  
><em>_With my back against the wall__  
><em>_Oh, the universe is crumbling tonight__  
><em>_Oh, and I'm not sure if we can survive__  
><em>_Oh, you left me here with nothing at all__  
><em>_With my back against the wall_

As fast as it had started it had ended. Every word I sang it to her, through all the song I looked at her. I was being childish and unfair but I did it anyway.

I didn't know where the lyrics for this song had came from when I wrote it, but now I see it clearly. Even if she hates it and she really doesn't get what I am trying to say this is still her song.

I feel arms around me; the guys were all hugging me. They had smiles on their faces and were looking proud and cocky.

"We fucking did it, mate!" said Luca excited. He lifts me from the floor, sometimes I forget how strong these guys are.

"I know" I said cheerful with a huge grin and throwing my hands around his neck tightly.

"I love you baby girl" he whispered to me, finally putting me down.

James put his arm around my shoulder, what is with them thinking I'm some kind of "arm support" for them to use, every time I'm standing next to them.

"Santana!" Puck said.

"What?" I said annoyed

"Put attention, yo! I was saying to the guys that we did a fucking good job" The three of them cheered goofily. "And we need to get fucking drunk" James said jumping around.

"You know guys; we did well for our first time so I'll lead the fucking way!" We all started walking to the huge bar in the second section. I saw Quinn standing there looking awkward so I decided to put her out of her misery I mean it's not even her fault that Harmony decided to get her nose all over my business, right?

"So… are you coming with me or do I have to drag you?"

"Let's go grab a beer" she offered

"Took you long enough, Fabray" I teased and she just smiled. In reality we had an entire conversation in our world and it went something like, Quinn I know it wasn't your fault stop acting like it was, let's be us tonight without feeling awkward and guilty because I need you. She just agreed.

I haven't forgotten that she is here, but what am I supposed to do? It's weird to feel her so near like if she was some kind of magnetic pole or if she had this gravitational force that makes me gravitate around her, I can spin and spin but I can't get away from her.

* * *

><p>Just an hour later and I was on my way to getting hammered, Quinn never left my side and was already drunk, thank god her angry drunk stage it's over now because it's so hard to take her seriously when she starts bitching about god knows what for the 20th time in one night, it totally loses all it's seriousness if it had it any to begin with.<p>

I don't know how we got like this, actually I know and I will have to blame the bartender for that, Quinn asked him for a cocktail not this fucking bomb. He said it's called 'Pepto' I was finding the name super lame and weird until I saw that the fucking drink has this pepto bismol pinkish tone, I didn't want to try it at first but Quinn said it was surprisingly good so me being stupidly curious I took a sip and yes, in fact it didn't tasted bad at all. We kept drinking one after another downing them like it was water until my vision was blurry and Quinn started looking super heated.

I asked for another pepto when I saw what it contained I almost killed the bastard, it had rum, whiskey, bacardi and milk with some kind of strawberry grenadine. It tasted good but holly sweet hell if it was a little too much even for me.

I was about to go all Lima Heights on him when I felt a hand in my waist and I turned to see the owner of said hand and I found myself lost in brown eyes and vibrant red hair.

"We keep meeting like this" She said smirking confidently as if she knew we were going to run into each other the whole time.

"It seems like it" I said nonchalantly and she just nodded.

"It's easy if you let it go, you know?" she said looking at me with so much intensity in her eyes. I could feel how she looked at me with scrutiny making me nervous, she seemed so collected and unfazed by everything. She ran her hand up and down my arm gradually moving to my collar bone and finally letting it rest on my waist again so gracefully but possessively. Her touch felt cold but yet, so natural against my skin but so soft and so delicate.

I broke the trance we were into when I asked her, her name, but it was necessary she was making me feel dizzy and I don't do dizzy, at least not for girls no matter how fucking gorgeous they are.

"Alex" said with her husky voice never breaking eye contact.

"Santana" I said quickly and I saw her nodded and smirk again, why does she looks so self-assured all the time?

"So you don't talk much, huh?" I spat losing my patience; I'm never good with these games.

"Only when I really need to and I don't really need to talk like a parrot right now, do I?" The gorgeous redhead in front of me said challengingly, she started leaning into me I knew what was coming, there was something different in this girl and I wanted it, but it still felt wrong so I closed my eyes waiting to feel her rosy lips on mine and the only thing I got is Brittany, images of her extremely blue sparkly eyes, her smile and her cute voice, I better open my eyes.

It didn't work since I kept hearing her sweet voice; right now I can actually hear her calling my name. STOP THINKING ABOUT BRITTANY! GOD DAMN IT! And fucking kiss the hot girl in front of you, also stop acting like such a spaz, she is going to think you are slow or something. Why do I keep hearing Brittany's voice? Fuck this! I pulled Alex face towards mine then I felt someone sending daggers our way. We don't even bother in turning our heads to see who this person is until I hear her again.

"Santana, Quinn is puking in the bathroom. She sent me to find you" I nodded because the fucking cat ate my tongue. I was going to say good bye to Alex but she was there just staring at me and her eyes were cold and hard. She is not happy right now that much I can tell, so I just gave a kiss on the cheek to Alex and started walking away with Britt to get to the bathroom with Quinn.

Brittany walks fast and with purpose dodging people who was dancing while I kept getting pushed around thanks to my clumsy drunken self. I started walking faster so I could keep up with her pace and when she was less than a feet away I reached for her wrist, pulling her a little so she would slow down.

"What's wrong with you? Britt spat angrily

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you, Britt Britt?" I stopped walking and so did she; I could tell she was torn between taking the bait and starting a fight or just ignoring me.

"You know Santana, this is all wrong. I just… I didn't come here to make you feel uncomfortable, ok? I wanted to talk to you I guess I didn't really think about it. I'm sorry" Brittany sighed running a hand through her hair nervously.

"Let's just go help Quinn, ok? She was feeling really bad when I found her, she was looking for you"

"Thanks for taking care of her and finding me" I said honestly and she smiled that genuine smile of hers that makes me go weak on the knees.

"Yeah, no problem San!" she said cheerfully and it was my turn to smile because I guess she hadn't changed and that's like a blessing, she is just… perfect.

We kept walking and finally got to the bathroom I was about to go in when I heard Puck calling my name I turned to the right when I saw Quinn standing there clearly hammered trying to dance and Puck just behind her trying to help her keep her balance.

"Why did you leave her alone, Lopez?" Puck said with anger in his eyes

"It was an accident, Puckerman. We were together, but I got thirsty and I told her to wait for me while I was buying another drink and next thing I know, Brittany is telling me that Quinn was puking in the bathroom" I said hanging my head in shame because that's like, rule number one or maybe two, doesn't matter you never leave your friends alone if they are drunk, you need to take care of them.

"It's ok" Puck said patting my back "I was just worried. I'm glad that you both are ok. I will carry Quinn to Luca's van, ok? Meet me there in 10, we are going home"

"Yeah, ok. Will be there in 5, no worries" I said to Puck and watched him go helping Quinn to walk.

"San, you better go" Brittany said from behind me. I have forgotten she was there, who am I kidding? I didn't forget. I was just trying to gain some time so I figured what to say to her.

"Britt, I… I'm glad that I saw you today, I don't think it was ideal but…"

"It's fine, San. You don't need to say anything, I'm happy I came" Brittany interrupted me and started flashing her white teeth through that huge smile she was wearing, she started leaning towards my cheek to give me a quick little kiss but she got way too near the corner of my lips. She straightened herself up and started walking away. When she was 2 feet away she turned to face me still walking backwards. "I'm not saying good bye, Santana. I never said goodbye because I knew I would be seeing you again, this time I swear that it's going to be soon." Brittany winked and I'm sure she didn't intend to do it in such fucking sexy way, but she did and then I lost sight of her in a sea of people.

I walked to the exit where I would meet my friends, but something was bothering me. One thing…

"_Santana if you got a second chance would you let her get in again?" I wanted to say yes, in a heartbeat but I said "The problem kid, is that you don't get second chances all the time"_

... This is it, a second chance.

**AN: Brittany finally showed up, yay! Ok, guys hope you like this one. I really, really need your opinions on this one because like you all know English isn't my first language and it was extremely challenging to describe some things in this chapter. Also maybe you have some questions about Brittany but next chapter is gonna be written in her POV so that should help and the song here is Crumbling by Emery.**

**Ain't you guys mad about Naya getting so much hate this week on twitter? Anyway… A cute blonde once said that with feelings is better, right? Well with reviews is so much better lol so please help me out here by letting me know your thoughts on this. Thanks!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm sorry it took me so long to update, guys, but life has been such a bitch lately. Anyway I hope you all like this one and there is a switch of POV here.**

I always thought that life could be like a fairy tale, that somehow people could have their happy ending. I thought "Oh Britt, one day you are going to found your prince charming" and I did, but my prince wasn't a prince and it wasn't even a boy, it was her. It has always been her...

It took me almost a year to realize what I was feeling, not because my prince was a princess. To me love is love and labels that people put on it are sad, they make me feel like a sad little panda. How can you tell a person that loving someone is wrong when it feels so right? When it makes you so happy, that's something I will never understand so I just don't participate in this and because every time I wake up I feel like Brittany, not "bisexual","pansexual" or whatever society wants to call me.

See this is what always happens to me, I started talking about something and I ramble and ramble until I forget what the whole point of me saying those things were. Such a sad little panda!

Oh I remember now! So like I said It took me long enough to realize where my love really lay in, because before her I didn't know what love really felt like, even now just talking about it makes me feel warm inside and happy.

The first time I saw her we were at a party that Quinn had invited me to, I had just switched schools but I was friends with her because our parents are friends since before we were born. I was there with my boyfriend Joe and things were getting too handsy between us, thinking about it now that was the first sign. You know how when you are making out with someone, even if it's your boyfriend, you only keep thinking of the mechanism of it like, move your head a little to the left, now switch to your right, lean a little bit more into his chest... Well that happened, when you aren't that much into it like you thought you were. So back to my story, I left Joe on the couch and started walking to the kitchen I wanted a beer because I was so thirsty but midway a girl caught my attention, she was kissing another girl and all her moves were so fluent, so delicate, it was so beautiful. I felt my ears getting warmer and my tummy did a somersault. I saw the girl with the raven hair, the one that caught my attention, breaking the kiss and leaning to the other girl ear to whisper something and then she jus nodded and smiled. The raven haired girl walked outside and before I could stop I was already following her. I maintained my distance because I didn't want her to think I was weird. She leaned on a tree and took out a cigarette, she had her eyes closed and seemed like she was deep in thought and that's when I saw her, really saw her.  
>Her face was catching up the moon light giving a glow to her whole persona, it was a vision. Her face was beautiful, she had the most perfect cheek bones and by the way she was scrunching her face I could see some dimples appear also her lips looked so... So... So tasty.<br>She was wearing pale brown skinny jeans, doc martens and a blue navy loose tank top that said 'Guns N' Roses' at the back and a really small logo at the front in the upper left side, her hair was down and you could see some curls but it seemed like she took her time stylizing, her arms looked slim but strong. She was really beautiful.

I was so busy taking in every little detail of her being that I didn't notice Joe was there until he put his arms on my waist from behind me. I shifted a little so we could fit together and closed my eyes, thanking the proximity.  
>When I opened them again, I saw the girl walking towards us, but she was looking at the ground, she was getting close and I could smell her perfume, I don't know why it made me nervous and just when she was about to walk past me, she lifted her face, started walking straight with her head held high with so much confidence and then she winked at me, it was like something switched inside her and she passed from natural and effortlessly intriguing to confident, cocky and kind of a badass.<br>In that moment I knew that I wanted to know everything about this mysterious person.

So imagine my surprise when I saw her with Quinn of all people the first day of our sophomore year. I walked to them said Hi to Quinn and she introduced us. I think she didn't recognize me so I didn't mention the party, she had a really strong hand shake and I learned that her name was Santana. I had never known someone with that name; I remember thinking that it just fitted too well to her.  
>Quinn and I became closer than we were before I transferred to McKinley. Later on I noticed that Santana, Puck and Quinn were best friends. They seemed to me like the cool kids of the school, the ones that don't try to be anyone but themselves and people try to imitate them, they were effortlessly appealing to the rest of us.<br>I tried to get to know Santana but she was always in a hurry when we were alone, she seemed to be really shy and fidgety when it came to me.  
>I was frustrated because I still had that craving to know more about her and then one day everything changed. She walked up to me with a friendly smile on her face, she told me she had seen me with Joe a week before and that we were a cute couple, I didn't know why the change of attitude but I wasn't complaining and she just let me in.<br>We became best friends, we were even closer than Quinn and Santana were though we were always with her, it's just the way things worked with San and me, and we were so simple and natural. It's like we had known each other for our entire lives.

I saw Santana hooking up with both, guys and girls, when we went out to parties, it was fine because if she was happy then I was happy, but I had this nagging sensation in my tummy every time it happened.

I broke up with Joe midway in my sophomore year, it hurt but not that much. Not like I thought it would hurt to lose someone you love. Santana was there for me, cheering me up, always doing goofy things to make me laugh, that's a side of Santana that not all the people get to see, and I was really happy because I was able to see it. Instead of sharing my time half with Joe and half with San, I just had Sanny all for me because now I could be with her all the time.

I started noticing little things about Santana like the way she scrunched her face when she was thinking about important stuff, the way she talked with so much pride and love about her mom even though it wasn't often or how she smirked when she was plotting some mischief. Also how caring and gentle she was towards me and I couldn't help but to fall in love with her.  
>I noticed that she had 5 different smiles.<p>

-When she was talking about something funny that happened to her and her mom.

- When something definitely was funny but she didn't want to show it

- When she was with me doing whatever. This one was my favorite and the one that had my head spinning.

-When she painted. She didn't do it often; actually it was something she did only when she was at the verge of losing control. I could only see this happened once and it was sad that not even I could make her feel better but yet so beautiful. At first she was lost, you couldn't see the light in her eyes then she started relaxing with every brush she made and with every line she drew until she pushed everything bad from her mind and heart to her fingers and finally out of her, recovering the light in her eyes and finally making peace with whatever was making her feel that way at first and BOOM, she smiled! It was a small, content and honest one but not less beautiful than the others.

-When she wasn't hiding from the world to see her true colors and not the misconception that people often thought was her.

At that time when I was sure I was falling in love with San she was getting in and out of relationships, sometimes with boys and sometimes with girls and just like when I saw her hooking up with people at parties the feeling I got in my tummy made an appearance, only worse because I couldn't get rid off it. After giving it some thought I realized that, that feeling was nothing but jealousy. I never had hated something until then, I hated to feel jealous. It's the worst feeling in the whole world, really! Just think about how a person can change so much thanks to that or how jealousy brings out the worst in people.

One day almost at the end of the school year I asked Santana for driving lessons, I always did that, but she always refused until that awesome day. She had broken up with someone three weeks before ─ in retrospective she wasn't hooking up with anyone that I knew of─ so it was an excellent time to talk to her about my feelings. I was nervous because she never showed interest in me if it wasn't in a friendly way. I tried a couple of times before to caught her attention, I even dressed in a football jersey without pants one day she was staying at my house and she didn't even spare me a glance.  
>Oh the rambling, again! Back to the driving lessons; that day after less than 15 min of being driving I hit a trash can and I thought she would be mad at me, but she wasn't, actually she was being super cute about it. I even cried a little and she got worried about me, but I was feeling embarrassed by everything going on until she called me cute and I asked her if she meant it or not. She said that I was indeed cute, that she thought I was beautiful so I couldn't help it and I kissed her.<br>We both kind of freaked out about it and we even stopped talking for the whole weekend by Monday the not talking thing was too hard on us. I remember seeing San around the halls and feeling my heart beating so strong I thought I was about to collapse. I freaked out because I wanted Santana so much that I was worried she didn't want me the same way I wanted her. She later told me that she freaked out because she is Santana and she does that kind of things, her words not mine. Two weeks later we were officially a couple and a week after that sophomore year was over, so we had a whole summer to share with each other.

A year later and everything was great between us. I kept feeling that someone was tickling my tummy from inside out every time San was kissing me, that feeling never fade away. Sadly, other things did. A month after our first year anniversary things changed a lot San's dad left and her mom wasn't feeling well, San being San always acted like everything was peachy when in reality it wasn't and it was eating her very slowly. She started disappearing, I mean she was there but not really the San I had fell in love with, yeah I still loved her but it was a whole different person. I tried to make her talk to me, sadly just once she opened up to me, the other times she just played it down like, anything mattered anymore. It was something really sad to witness and I can't really explain it but it was like she was struggling between being the caring, loving and perfect girlfriend she was to me and her mother's daughter. She started building even higher walls that I couldn't trespass and I did try, but I wasn't strong enough, it was killing me seeing her like this… so reckless. And she didn't even see me, we were supposed to be together all the steps of the way, but she never stop to look at her side or else she would have seen me. It was the first time since we met that I couldn't make a difference and being honest it drove me crazy.

I think I now understand why, it's like when a person loves someone so much this person could end up forgetting who they are because now they are an item, like shoes the right one can't be without the left one. I think it's ok to love someone that much, but you always need to remember to be you and live your life because then if the person who you love it's down you won't be able to help her get up and everyone is going to be sad.

Sometimes people stay together because they think that's the right decision or they are afraid of losing what someday was so good and a person who made you feel so loved, that's what was happening with me and Santana, she was so distant and I noticed that she wasn't happy anymore, but I didn't know if it was because of me or because all the things happening in her life. I was afraid to ask her because if she said that the problem was me I would have cried until my eyes were all red and puffy, she was my prince and I didn't want to lose her.

One day Santana and I had a fight, it was childish but I couldn't see the love in her eyes anymore and I was trying to get her to feel something, anything. So I went home and I decided that we should be a part for a little and with a little I meant just that night, but I needed to blow some steam and what better way to do that than dancing, right? I took out the fake ID that Puck gave me and went to the usual bar we and San always went, but instead of dancing I started drinking with San's friend Jennifer, she was there when I arrived. I was talking about Santana all night I didn't do anything but talk about her I was getting drunk though and I started slurring my words, Jen was being super supportive even said that Santana was kind of a bitch for not treating me well. Which is a big, big lie and I told her that, but then she grabbed my face and she kissed me. I didn't know what to do for a few seconds, then I started kissing her back and after it happened I couldn't believe what I have done, but Jennifer apparently thought that it was ok, she didn't care that San was her friend. She started talking about school and guys from school, that she liked me for a really long time, but Santana has always been in the way.  
>The only thing I wanted was for Santana to notice me, for her to treat me like her girlfriend and to talk to me, but instead I got a crazy girl saying those things. So I left, the moment I walked out the bar I knew I had broken my own heart that night, but I also had broken San's and I couldn't deal with it. I ran all the way to my house and curled in my bed with Lord Tubbington watching me like a hawk from my desk. He knew, but he didn't say anything. I mean he is a cat, he can't really talk ─I don't know why people always take what I'm saying too literal─ back to the story, Saturday night was awful and I couldn't sleep, the first thing I did on Sunday was going to Santana's and tell her the truth.<p>

I texted Santana when I was outside her house telling her to meet me at her backyard. When I saw her I felt the need to kiss her so I did that. I kissed her as if it was the last chance I had to do that, which it was possibly true at the time. What I had done was the last of things that Santana would have ever taken from me, from someone who says that loves her. My Santana wasn't perfect and I loved her even more for that. I found her flaws perfect. To me they were one of the reasons why we fit so well. Her trust issues were something that never was a problem in our relationship because she was super confident all the time, but still I think her dad leaving made her think that she was less than perfect.

I told her what happened or at least I tried because when she heard kiss and Jen she went nuts and told me to leave. I was crying and begged her to listen, but she was deaf to my words. I had to go or I would have done everything worse. The next day at school I saw her looking like a super model, she was her confident cocky self, the only difference is that she was flirting with girls and boys that I never even knew she knew. I confronted her after 2 days because every time I saw her she was laughing and having a great time, but I was as sad as someone can get.

I told her that I loved her that I needed her that she had to forgive me because I was a mess without her, she said no and I hugged her very tightly and asked her if she still loved me, she said yes. I told her that if she loved me she would be with me again. I did this every day for about a week and a half even on the weekends and we got back together. We never talked about what happened ever again, it's like she was trying to forget that it happened and it was hard because if before that she was distant after that things were ten times worse. She tried very hard but she never trusted me again. I was driving her crazy and not for the good reasons.

She broke up with me a months after the graduation, it wasn't a surprise. It hurted so much, nothing in my life had been that painful. I saw her once after that in the same bar I cheated on her and she called me once after that. I still had hope in us, but after that call what it was left was more heartache so I left to Julliard to start afresh.

I came back to Lima a year after, I wanted to look for her, but I chickened out so I didn't go through it. I came back a year after that but my mom told me that she had left a couple of weeks before and that her house was on sale. She wasn't going to come back, was everything I thought but still I kept coming back for another two years just hoping that maybe I would seen her, I knew that, that wasn't going to happen, but I couldn't help it.

I'm glad I have friends that had been with me through all of this or maybe I wouldn't be here right now. Life wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, I can't complain though I have had lucky and there are people out there that had it worse. Rachel and Mike were my rock when I was in Julliard, Mike moved here with me, since we both were accepted into Julliard and Rachel was here for NYADA with Kurt though we didn't see Kurt that often I consider him one of my closest friends. Rachel and Finn broke up after graduation, Mike and Tina are still together, but right now Tina is living in California and Mike here in New York so they basically are in a long distance relationship.

My Julliard years could have been perfect if I had Santana by my side; there is no day that I don't regret everything that went wrong between us. I stopped looking for her a year ago though I didn't look for her that hard because I didn't know what to say. What I do know is that the reason behind it was Quinn, actually. Puck and Mike stayed friends and in contact after high school. I tried to get some information about San out of Mike, but he never told me anything because he and Puck agreed on being neutral, that if they wanted their friendship to remain the same neither Puck nor Mike will mentioned anything about me to Santana if she didn't ask or about Santana to me if she didn't want to contact me first. The only thing that Mike told me is that Santana doesn't even know that Mike and I are roommates or that Puck and Mike are still very much close friends.

Oh yes, about Quinn. Well one day about a year and a half in Lima I ran into Quinn when we were there visiting the family. I asked her about Santana and if she remained close to her. She told me that Santana was great but it has been difficult for her to get there that I shouldn't jeopardize that and that if Santana ever wants to talk to me again, then maybe she will contact me. But she wasn't the Quinn I used to know, she changed the way she was towards me. She remained being very much polite, but I knew her better and I could feel the venom in her words.

When I told Rachel about it, she said that Quinn was just being Quinn, that she was protecting her best friend, which I shouldn't feel bad about because if someone ever talk to me in the wrong way she would act just like Quinn did. The problem is that I really don't understand why Quinn was acting like that. Yeah, what happened between San and I was bad, but not that bad for her to hate me.

Someone once told me that I should have been happy that San and I weren't together because our relationship was toxic. It's true our last year together was very toxic, but we were very young and we all make mistakes so I'm sure that if I ever get a hold on Santana, I would explain everything to her and I would try to make things better between us. What we had no matter how problematic was at the end, it's something you don't find easily and I know that we are more mature and we could handle things better now than we did back then, so NO, I don't believe for a moment that I am better without her. I can't really talk for her because I don't know if she is with someone right now, if she is happy, in reality I don't know anything about her besides that she lives in New York.

We are both living in the same city but we have never run into each other and that's one of the cruelest things in the world because I have ran into the same guy in the subway thrice and I wasn't interested in seeing him, but Santana that I am very much interested, not even once. I even used to pray before taking the subway.

How is my life without Santana? Like I said, I can't complain. I didn't graduate from Julliard that was sad. I broke my ankle in 2 different places that caused some damage to one of the nerves down there which made it difficult for me to dance at the same level as before and I decided to drop out. Dancing, it's what makes me happy and it was something that I have ever loved and I wasn't ready to let it go, so I kept working hard to get to where I was before the accident and I did it or at least I think I did it because when Rachel helped me get an audition for one of the off Broadway plays where she was playing lead I got the part as one of the backup dancers, which was cool. After that everything has been easier, getting to dance here and there sometimes choreographing, it has been exciting and I really like it.

Yes, I have dated people, mostly guys because San ruined all the girls for me. But neither a guy nor a woman is going to ever make me feel like Santana did. It's kind of hard to be in a relationship thinking like that, you know? Because is foolish to start something and be 100% into it, knowing that is bound to fail.

I don't regret much things not even being apart from San for so long, but I should've tried harder to make her feel better. I don't dwell much about it because I know that she wasn't ready.

I always knew that Santana was different, people tended to call her a "bitch" and some other nasty things and I always felt so bad about it. She was a puzzle to them just because they couldn't see her crystal clear. I always thought that Santana had a granny inside her, you know like, when someone is young but their soul is old and wise. Santana was always so smart, book and street smart.  
>She cared a lot about so many things that sometimes she walked funny, I guess that's because all the weight on her shoulders, I think this was the main reason as to why she acted like she didn't care or as if she didn't feel anything, and it was easier for her. I don't know if she has changed, but I wouldn't change that about her, that just made her more special.<p>

What would I do if I ever see her again? I'm scared of that, I think she is mine and I'm hers forever, we have something that I can't explain and even though we haven't talk in a lot of time there are some connections you can't just break or forget. I think we have that, but what if we don't, so I'm scared to find out that she doesn't feel about it like I do. If I see her again I would try to make things right between us again and just be with her, no matter in what way. It has been so long that everything is confusing; I can talk about my feelings for hours but when or if the time comes anything wouldn't be as I expected.

So, yeah life has been pretty good, but I miss her every day. Is there anything else you want to know? Brittany said pensive.

"No, you have shared enough. I think I can help you" Harmony said excited.

"Oh, okay" Brittany said with a huge smile on her face.

* * *

><p>It has been a weeks since Brittany last spoke to the funny girl, Harmony. She has been dying to hear about her since she told her that she could help her to find Santana.<br>Everything was odd about the girl and the way they met, but she really didn't think about it twice, Brittany just trusted her from the very first moment they met.  
>She doesn't know what she is waiting for and still she is dying with anticipation, dodging all kind of questions that were thrown on her way by Rachel, which was very a very typical Rachel behavior. The only one who knew about Harmony and Brittany meeting was Mike and he didn't really approved it, saying it was dangerous and it was possible that everything would backfired on her.<p>

It's worth it, Brittany thought every time Mike tried to talk her out of it.

It was a Thursday and Brittany was losing her patience, which was something weird in her. She has gone to the rehearsal of an upcoming play she had been cast as a lead dancer, had lunch with Mike and some mutual friends and was on her way to the apartment they shared with Rachel when her phone started ringing.

"Hi"

"Oh hello, Brittany. I'm just calling to ask if you are busy tomorrow night, there is this party and she will be there. I think is a perfect opportunity" said Harmony hurriedly in one sentence. — I need to ask Rachel if she didn't have a baby and didn't tell me. Brittany thought.

"Tomorrow? I mean I'm totally free, but it's just a few hours away!"

"Well if you don't want to we could wait God knows how long until the next time Santana has another gig, is up to you." Harmony said sarcastically

"A gig?" Brittany was dumbfounded

"Yes, I didn't know that she was in a band either. I didn't even know that she was playing at this party and I resent it, let me tell you."

"Ok, text me the hour and the place. Thank you Harmony"

"Oh God, it's going to be fantastic. See you tomorrow" said Harmony excited.

Brittany was finally reaching for the door of her apartment and she was astonished of how many things she didn't know now about Santana and saying she was sad, it's an understatement. On the bright side she was hours away from seeing Santana.

It was 9:00 pm when Brittany got to the apartment and it was 9:02 pm when she was tucked in bed, a total sense of eagerness was flooding her.

She just wanted to sleep so the time passed faster and that's why she went to bed so early. It was 4:00 am now and she hasn't been able to conceal sleep, but her mind kept playing different scenarios of how things with Santana could go and her tummy was hurting from the nerves.  
>She couldn't stop thinking of all the things she wanted to say to Santana.<p>

Her brain was finally tired and ready to shut down at 6:00 am, but dreams of Santana were there waiting for her.

* * *

><p>The day Brittany had been waiting for was here, in a couple of minutes, she will be able to see Santana. Brittany was nervous and excited all day, but now she is mostly anxious.<p>

She and Harmony ran into Quinn on their way there, it was a factory and everything was beautiful although she wasn't paying attention to the details.

Quinn talked to her and tried to talk her out of seeing Santana, but she just shrugged it off. She had come a long way and no one could make her change her mind. They walked in together and her heart was beating so fast and loud, she was afraid that she was going to pass out.

They were walking around people until they reached another room and Quinn started walking faster and stopped in front of **HER**. She was **FINALLY** there; they were in the same room again.

Brittany felt her mouth dry and her hands shake, Santana was walking on a straight line right her way. She couldn't stop thinking about how much Santana looked like the girl she first saw at that party and yet so different. Santana had a new air to her , she was confident but it wasn't a façade it was all her, she seemed in control, like everything you need to know of her is just in the open for you to take a look, her brown eyes were full of hesitancy, Santana still had the banging body. And like the first time she saw her, Brittany was just dying to get to know everything about the girl standing in front of her.

"What are you doing here, Brittany? Santana asked not showing any emotions to her words and locking eyes with Brittany.

Brittany felt all the emotions she had locked up in that very safe place inside her heart rushing back in milliseconds after staring into those brown eyes. She knew right then, that she needed to get Santana back into her life, not that she wasn't convinced before.

"I invited her. I thought you guys should talk" Brittany heard Harmony saying still looking at Santana trying to read her movements, searching for any hint that she might be feeling the exact same way than her.

"Hi, San" Brittany said when she saw anger behind Santana's eyes. It wasn't directed towards her, but she knew better than unleash Snixx by doing nothing.

"You have no right"

"I trusted you" Santana yelled and Brittany was frozen on her spot. She didn't know what to do.

"You know what, fuck it! You ain't worth it"

"Santana" Brittany said trying to get a hold on Santana's arm "that's enough, you are scaring her. Don't be so mean" the blonde said with sadness attached to her words because, was it really that bad to Santana, seeing her again? Was it really such a bad thing? She knew that Santana was a perceptive woman so she tried to hide her sadness.

Brittany was so focused on hiding her emotions that she failed to see that the brunette in front of her was having a really hard time and it took every ounce of will power on her body not to hug her and kiss every inch of her face like she once did.

"Nice to see you again, enjoy" Santana said directing her words only to Brittany and without sparing another look to Harmony. Brittany couldn't do anything more than stare the back of her long lost friend.

Harmony was feeling awful, she just wanted to help Santana and apparently she had just ruined it "I think I better go" she said to the blonde beside her "but you should stay, you know?"

"Why? Didn't you see her reaction?"

"Exactly because I saw how she reacted I'm saying you should stay. Do you really think that if she didn't care she would have got mad at me? She cares and you know it." Harmony said with so much conviction that Brittany felt a sudden glimmer of hope sparkling inside her.

"Thank you, Harmony! For everything, really, you didn't have to get involved and yet you did and it's one of the noblest things anyone has done for me. You don't have to go, San doesn't mean those things."

"I just hope she can forgive me" Harmony said letting out a sigh "and this isn't really my scene so I wouldn't feel that comfortable staying. Could you walk me to the entrance?" _Oh God, Rach will love this girl_. Brittany thought after hearing Harmony.

* * *

><p>When Brittany returned to the room where she knew Santana was, she realized she had missed a few songs and there she was standing on the back of the crowd watching Santana with an amazed look on her face completely enthralled.<p>

She started walking towards the stage, to where she was sure Santana could spot her and so she did. That's when it hit her, the Santana she was seeing perform was the most confident yet vulnerable someone, besides her, could have ever seen. It was such a magnificent sight and her heart started beating faster with this realization, she was just so happy that Santana wasn't that afraid to show how amazing she was anymore.

Brittany's eyes never left Santana's body, she was just seeing her and no one else, she heard Puck saying something she really didn't pay attention to it until he said the next song was written by Santana. They started playing the song and she noticed the confused look Puck threw to Santana and how she just shrugged it off.

_I fell in love with the world  
>She gave me<br>Everything that I deserved  
>All that I wanted and more, right in my hands<br>Some things just never last  
>She ran away with the sun<br>I guess  
>The moon and the starts must have followed along<br>'Cause I'm here in the cold and the dark until she returns_

It was then that she realized she needed to pay close attention to this song and it broke her heart because she had the feeling that Santana was singing every word to her. It hurt her and filled her with regrets because she didn't ever want to make Santana feel this way. Her eyes were holding tears that she wasn't ready to let go.

When the song ended Brittany had gone to the bar. She wasn't exactly a heavy drinker, but when need it she could hold her drinks just right and this night she was planning on testing her resistance.

She asked the bartender for a vodka with raspberry juice, she was drinking it when she felt a nudge on her right side and when she turned to see who it was, the sight of one familiar face made her grin.

"MARK! What are you doing here? It's been so long" Brittany said hugging the guy now in front of her.

"I know Britt. I have missed you, but after what happened to my leg I just needed a change of scene, you know?" He said with sadness in his eyes.

"Come with me Britt, there are some people I want you to meet" Mark said grabbing Brittany's hand.

Little did they know that another blonde with hazel eyes was watching the whole exchange between them.

* * *

><p>After an hour of friendly chatting and getting to know some people on the music industry that were friends with Mark, she started walking to the bathroom when she found a very drunk Quinn swaying her body through the people so she decided to approach her.<p>

"Hey Quinn, are you ok?"

"Look who is here. Where did you leave your boyfriend, Britty?" Quinn said slurring her words. "Can you get me to the bathroom? And please tell Santana I'm not feeling well"

"Ok, let's go" Brittany said holding Quinn's body and walking to the bathroom

"I think I'm going to throw up! Where's the bathroom?"

"It's right around the corner, try to hold it down Quinn" Brittany said worried.

After Brittany lead Quinn to one of the stalls in the bathroom and held her hair so she didn't get vomit on it, she told Quinn to wait for her there so she could find Puck or Santana.

She saw Puck first and immediately told him that Quinn wasn't feeling well and that she was in the bathroom, that she had to leave her there so she could go look for him or Santana. Puck was really mad at Santana for being so reckless, letting Quinn alone while she was so drunk and told Brittany that he was going to take care of Quinn, but if she could go find Santana for him.

She enters the room with the bar she was before and she instantly saw Santana talking to a red head bombshell, Brittany knew she had no right to feel jealous. Brittany saw the other girl flirting with Santana so blatantly that she felt her blood boiling. What if Santana has a girlfriend? She thought, then everything would be a lost cause because she knew Santana was a loyal woman and if she felt that being friends with Brittany would cause trouble in her relationship then she wouldn't pursue a friendship with Brittany.

She kept staring at the couple until she saw that the red head was leaning into Santana and their lips were almost touching, she called her name and started walking fast to short the distance between them until she was in front of the girls and called Santana again. The brunette in front of her didn't hear it or at least that's what it looked like, then Santana turned her head and finally saw Brittany there.

"Santana, Quinn is puking in the bathroom. She sent me to find you" Brittany said, getting no response from the gorgeous brunette.

Brittany found herself walking with a fast and determinate pace through the sea of people, dodging sweating bodies on her way, she wanted to either scream or cry, but she knew she wasn't being fair. People didn't know that when Santana and Brittany were together, Brittany was the jealous one. She didn't like it and she never had been a jealous person until Santana, when they broke up she never felt jealousy ever again, people around them always thought that Santana was the jealous one, it seems like no one really knows what happens in the core of a relationship.

The blonde was deep in thought when she felt a hand on her wrist pulling her back and for a minute she lost it. "What's wrong with you?" Brittany spat angrily.

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you, Britt Britt?" They stopped walking. Brittany didn't know what to do, she wanted to tell Santana that she was angry and frustrated and she couldn't.

"You know Santana, this is all wrong. I just… I didn't come here to make you feel uncomfortable, ok? I wanted to talk to you I guess I didn't really think about it. I'm sorry." Brittany sighed running a hand through her hair. She knew that at the end of the day she just needed to be her and stop falling into old habits, habits that instead of helping her get Santana back only would help her lose the brunette again. It wasn't going to be easy because Santana was the only person who could make her lose her mind.

"Let's just go help Quinn, ok? She was feeling really bad when I found her, she was looking for you" Brittany said snapping out of her trance.

"Thanks for taking care of her and finding me" at this Brittany smiled genuinely for the first time that night.

"Yeah, no problem San!" The blue eyed girl said cheerfully receiving a smile from Santana in return. For a moment there Brittany thought that maybe things hadn't change that much.

Brittany was finally content after seeing that they could go back to be the friends they once were and that was the main thing in Brittany's mind.

They were walking to the bathroom when they heard Puck calling Santana's name with a really hammered Quinn trying to dance and Puck just behind her trying to help her keep her balance.

Brittany was happy to see that the friendship between Quinn, Santana and Puck got even stronger after all those years. She felt less worried knowing that Santana had people taking care of her when she needed it.

Puck was talking to Santana and Brittany didn't pay that much attention, this night had been eventful and she had a lot of things to think about and figure out. She saw from the corner of her eye Puck leaving and carrying a drunken Quinn.

"San, you better go" Brittany decided to say smiling softly.

"Britt, I… I'm glad that I saw you today, I don't think it was ideal but…"

"It's fine, San. You don't need to say anything, I'm happy I came here" Brittany interrupted the brunette and started flashing her white teeth through that huge smile she was wearing. She started leaning towards the brown eyed giving her a quick kiss on the corner of her lips. Brittany started walking away feeling ecstatic and when she was a couple feet away she turned to face Santana still walking backwards.

"I'm not saying good bye, Santana. I never said goodbye back then because I knew I would be seeing you again, this time I swear that it's going to be soon." Brittany winked at one dumbfounded Santana and kept walking away.

Brittany knew then what she had to do and she swore not to stop until she got it. She took her phone out of her pocket to send a quick text to her guardian angel.

I OWE U, BIG TIME! xo. B  
>to: Harmony<p>

Everything was looking brighter than it looked for a while and with that idea in mind she took off to her apartment to start thinking of a plan to get Santana back.

* * *

><p><strong>So what do you think, guys? YAY OR NAY? Ok so in case anyone got confused at the beginning I tried to write that part as if Brittany was having a conversation with Harmony kind of Q &amp; A. I know I keep saying "after this chapter, things are gonna start taking off", but I swear this time is true I just wanted to focus in Brittany so you all know what she is feeling and thinking right now, the next chapter gonna have lots of Brittana interaction and everything I write has a reason even the little parts so you should pay attention. Also I want to share with you guys my tumblr is snixx22 (dot) tumblr (dot) com. Follow me there so we can fangirl together over Brittana perfection. THEY FINALLY KISSED! Tomorrow is the month anniversary of the Brittana kiss!<strong>

**Smileanyway142: Britt probably has a good reason, who knows! NOT ME! Thanks for reviewing!**


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